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Post by Calaf on Feb 8, 2012 14:28:36 GMT
Using some advanced Scientific techniques it has been possible to analyse the talents of a number of celebrity chefs and plot them on a graph. The precise methodology is rather complex to explain but involves a rigorous examination of empirical data collected over a number of years of watching telly. The following chart plots culinary skill against celebrity status.  Notes *1 as the Galloping Gourmet *2 post conversion to Jesus and brown rice *3 results appear skewed amongst heterosexual males *4 weighted average of John Torode and that baldy barrow boy *5 HFW rapidly following a leftward trajectory towards Twat *6 Clarissa Dickson-Wright and Jennifer Paterson (RIP) As you can see, there is a bit of a gap in the Talented Twat region where one might have expected to find the likes of Heston Blumenthal. However, we were unable to make any sense of the data collected for him (as it involves no cookery whatsoever) so have omitted him on that basis. If you think we've missed any celebrity worth mentioning let us know and we'll run them through the analysis and add them to the graph. |
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Post by Fat Bob on Feb 8, 2012 14:37:21 GMT
I reckon you should input AWT again.
I cannot remember names but flicking channels this morning saw that youngish cheesy Italian (is it Gino de Camp Oh) in a career high cooking pasta for muppets on This Morning. I reckon that should put him fairly low in the scale of things.
The geezer with the big moustache and his tattoed son in the boat are not on the list. Quite how they got a cookery show I don't know but they have some interesting wood fired cooking stoves and gizmos.
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Post by Calaf on Feb 8, 2012 14:53:01 GMT
You're right about AWT. The data was collected before he was caught Wynona Rydering but it's debateable whether that makes him more of a Twat than he already is or makes him a bit cooler.
We've plotted and added Gino D'Acampo and Genaro Contaldo for good measure. Being Italian this seems to make them less Twatty than they otherwise would be if they were from Slough so this should be TIC.
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Post by Fat Bob on Feb 8, 2012 18:32:39 GMT
Forgive me my gross stupidity but who on earth is Giocchino Rossini?
I have heard of Gioachino Rossini but he was a composer.
I take Stick Drawbridge doesn't get in as a chef.
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Post by Calaf on Feb 8, 2012 21:33:59 GMT
Could be me who's thick. Who is Stick Drawbridge? You could say Gioacchino Rossini was the first great Celebrity turned Chef.  Edit: Ah, my bad. Spelling error corrected. (Too much London Porter.) |
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Post by kitchenerr on Feb 9, 2012 18:17:04 GMT
haha... this had me laughing aloud... I agree with you. But I think Ainsley is in the wrong spot and should be near Jaimie.
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Post by gazz_46 on Feb 10, 2012 9:45:28 GMT
Calaf This rant may well get "moderated" but i would volunteer that the " fabulous baker brothers " warrant a place right on the axis of your graph as a pair of witless twats.......... Not necessarily a view shared by upper management......but one i would suggest will be backed up once the system has fully analysed the completed 1st series.....lol  |
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Post by gazz_46 on Feb 10, 2012 10:04:36 GMT
I would also like to put forward Rusty Lee of gmtv fame, but realise there is no real place for her on the graph being a "Happless No Hoper" and failing to meet the minmum search criteria of either a celebrity or chef  |
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Post by Calaf on Feb 10, 2012 10:36:55 GMT
Kitchener, it is a little known fact that Ainsley commenced his carreer as an extra on Red Dwarf. For that reason he scored very highly on the horizontal axis, but was knocked back by the "Percy-Pepper Suzy-Salt" and similar japes.
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Post by Calaf on Feb 10, 2012 10:55:04 GMT
Gaz, this whole thread will probably get moderated.
I remember Rusty Lee. We've performed the analysis and included her on the chart for you.
The results may not be what you expected, so I shall explain.
Amongst regular celebrities she would indeed score more highly on the Twat factor. But celebrity chefs are a unusual category of people amongst whom there is an unusually high incidence of asshats.
Rusty knew exactly what she was, whereas Jamie genuinely believes himself to be a talented cook, national hero and demigod.
We shall look into the Baker Brothers for you.
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Post by Calaf on Feb 10, 2012 12:40:20 GMT
Fabulous Baker Brothers
Analysis complete, chart updated.
If anyone is in doubt, here are some of the points awarded
* Not being fabulous: minus 1 point
* Only one being a baker: minus 1 point
* WFO usage: plus 1 point
* Making me watch several ads on 4OD: minus 1 point
* Juvenile production values: minus 1 point
* Generally being a pair of Kojak chokers: minus 4 points
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Post by ruralidle on Feb 12, 2012 16:48:09 GMT
Given how much Rick Stein changed the British dislike of fish he should be higher and further to the right. As for Keith Floyd - icon, yes but witless twat (as far as my kids are concerned anyway - they all hate the sight of him and think his recipes are poor) may be more accurate, especially with his alcoholism and (lack of) business acumen. Finally, don't even get me started on that Nigel Slater p..t. He's a pretentious cook and no more. Why anybody wastes their money his books I will never know!
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Post by Calaf on Feb 13, 2012 8:29:41 GMT
Hi ruralidle! Given how much Rick Stein changed the British dislike of fish he should be higher and further to the right. ...as did Captain Birdseye. I suppose alternative methodologies may yield varying results. Or as our omniscient youth of today often say, Your Mileage May Vary.  |
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Post by didwri on Feb 13, 2012 12:01:36 GMT
..just wanted to say.. I saw this yesterday at work and nearly spewed coffe over the screen and keyboard. Friends at work wandered what I was sniggering at so joined in.. we were all rotfl.. chefs do have egos that need popping imho.
But you are wrong about Nigel Slater.. clueless t..t
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